


Evermore

by triskele_93



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brief description of a panic attack, Dean Winchester Deserves Better, Declarations Of Love, M/M, because I say so, because god damn we deserve it, but nothing too graphic, dean winchester deserves happiness, post 15x20, that's why, then meh, unless you count the steaming pile of shit that was the finale as graphic, we're just gonna ignore the ending of the finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28841967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triskele_93/pseuds/triskele_93
Summary: Dean has died and is beginning his new afterlife in Heaven. But there's something, or someone, missing and he's done all the waiting that he can manage....
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	Evermore

**Author's Note:**

> Post 15x20 fix it because I refuse the acknowledge that episode as canon. Also, Dean Winchester deserves better. Title taken from the song "Evermore" sang by Dan Stevens on the soundtrack to the live action Beauty and the Beast film. Highly recommend both the song and the film, tbh.

Turns out, being dead takes a bit of getting used to. Even when you’ve been planning for it your whole life, aware that you probably weren’t going to see the other side of 50, it’s still a little bit of a surprise when it finally gets there. And if Dean was being honest with himself, which he usually wasn’t but apparently dying makes you maudlin or something, he always knew that it would happen on a hunt. He was glad of that much, in fact. The kids had been saved, the vamps nest exterminated and another mystery crossed out of their dad’s old journal. And while it hurt to leave Sam behind, it was for the best. If it got him out of the hunting life then that was good enough for Dean. Besides, it wasn’t like Dean wasn’t going to see him again anyway. Seeing Bobby had been a surprise though, given that the last they had heard of him he was stationed in Heaven’s lock up, but once the gruff old hunter had told him what was what, he couldn’t have been happier. 

He was proud of Jack for what he had created in Heaven, ensuring that it was finally the peaceful resting ground that had been promised all this time. And it was impressive to see the kid stretching his new God powers and seeing what he could do with them. The kid had turned out alright, despite his fears and his apprehension, and Dean had never been more happy to be proven wrong. But then Bobby had said the one thing that had hurt more than dying, more than leaving Sam behind;

“Cas helped.”

When Dean had heard that, the world had narrowed and all he could focus on was the knowledge that Cas was here in Heaven, not in the Empty like Dean had been imagining and fearing. But instead he had somehow been rescued and had come home. Dean had hardly dared to ask Bobby where Cas was or how he knew he was here, but he had a feeling that the older hunter knew what was on his mind now. But he left him to it, probably knowing that Dean would come to him if necessary or he would figure it out for himself. If he ever did figure it out for himself, the idjit.

But that wasn’t Bobby’s place to interfere. God only knew he had done enough of that in his lifetime, and that had only got him dead. Dean was still staring off into the distance, clearly a lot on his mind. They sat in companionable silence, sipping on the cheap beers that Bobby had in the cooler at their feet. Time moved on, not that they could have accurately measured it in any meaningful way. Whole lifetimes could have passed while they sat there. Eventually though, Dean shifted and cleared his throat. 

“Have you spoken to him? Cas?”

Bobby, skilfully he thought, refrained from rolling his eyes. By god, this boy was going to drive him mad in paradise as well, apparently! These two idjits clearly deserved each other, acting like a couple of teenage girls navigating their first crush. He cleared his throat before answering;

“He was there when I got pulled out of the lock up. Him and Jack. They’ve been making sure that each new soul settles in their respective corners of heaven, not that they have much work. A lot of people have got a lot of people waiting for them. Makes their job kind of easy.”

He huffed a small laugh at a memory. 

“Gives Cas a lot of time to spend with Jack and Kelly. He seems to like that.”

Dean swallowed roughly. 

“Right, of course he does.”

The hurt in his voice didn’t seem to stop his eyes from scanning the area in front of the Roadhouse, as if something, or someone Bobby thought, would suddenly appear. Taking pity on Dean, he turned again in his seat;

“I think he wanted you to see an old familiar face first. Rather than him. So he left me the job of watching out for you. He’ll be around.”

Dean nodded again, setting down his beer bottle and folding his hands in his lap. He couldn’t help but feel a little rejected, that Cas hadn’t come straight to see him once he got there. Rationally, he understood what Bobby was saying. Cas was probably extremely busy guiding Jack through his new role as God, but still. He could take a break to see Dean. 

“Thought the message would have got to him by now. Although, maybe he’s changed his mind and he doesn’t lo- I mean, he doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

The near slip of the tongue was enough to cause Dean to flush bright red. Bobby didn’t call him out on it, which he was grateful for. He had enough on his mind without needing to worry about Bobby’s good opinion of him. The silence returned to the two men, although it wasn’t nearly as peaceful as it had been before. Dean started to tap his fingers on his knees, tension growing across his shoulder blades the longer he sat there. 

“So, what are you going to do now?”

The question almost took him by surprise. Almost. But Bobby did always have a way of seeing through him, which he was grateful for in that moment. He scanned the area in front of the Roadhouse again, hoping that the figure he was looking for would have suddenly appeared in the seconds since he had last looked. Instead, his eyes widened as he saw his Baby. His pride and joy. Calm settled over his nerves and he realised what he wanted. Swinging his head back over to look at Bobby again, he replied;

“I think I’m going to go for a drive.”

Bobby raised his bottle to him, and he hauled himself out of his seat and propelled himself towards his car. As he approached the driver’s side, he ran his hand across the lines of the car that had been his home since he was four years old. She was just as beautiful as ever, and he knew without looking that if he was to take her apart; she would be an exact replica of his Baby down on Earth. He pulled the door open, slid into the driver's seat and pulled the door closed behind him. Running his hands over the steering wheel and seat, he felt peace for the first time since he had realised he was dying. He pressed a button on the radio and the opening strains of an old Kansas song drifted through the speakers. His smile widened to a grin as he put the car into drive and pulled away. 

He didn’t know how long he had been driving for, the miles running down as the scenery passed him by. There were moments when he could almost recognise where he was but at others, he could have been anywhere in the world and would have been none the wiser. As he drove, his mind wandered over his life, the good and the bad, and he slowly but surely made his peace. As the wooded areas flashed past his window, he found himself making plans for his time now that he had the rest of eternity to spend up here. He wondered how exactly Heaven would work now, the exact changes Jack had made that would apparently make their existence in Paradise worth the pain and heartbreak they had sustained on Earth. Eventually though, he couldn’t ignore the thing he wanted to think about any more. He pulled the car off the road at the side of a large meadow, full of flowers. 

As he stepped out of the car, the scent of the flowers wafted to him on a gentle breeze. He looked over at the soft bobbing of the flowers that he couldn’t hope to name, and spotted amongst them the paths of bees as they buzzed between them. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he remembered a slightly loopy Cas complaining about the absence of insects in Heaven and how he preferred them to angels. Not that Dean could blame him there. He preferred wendigos to angels so who was he to judge? He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and leaned back against the door to the car. He stood there for a while, just breathing in the scents of the flowers and listening to the whisper of the breeze, before he finally gathered the courage to do what he had pulled over for. He pushed himself up from where he was leaning, turned his back to the meadow and leaned his forearms against the roof of the car. Keeping his eyes closed, he bowed his head forward until his forehead was resting against his arms. And, for hopefully the last time, Dean Winchester prayed.

“This is a prayer for Castiel. I’m here, man. In Heaven, which you probably already knew but….. Where are you, man? I thought you’d…. I mean, I know that you’re busy but….. God, has this always been this difficult?”

Dean let out a shaky breath, trying to push his nerves out of his body with it. He took another few seconds before trying again.

“Listen, Cas, I know that you’re probably really busy, and I know that you’ll have a lot on your plate what with playing Yoda to Jack but, I’d really like to see you again. And soon. I think we’ve got a lot of things that we need to talk about, and I’d rather do it in person than over Angel radio where anyone might be listening in.”

He waited for a hint that Cas might have heard him, before lifting his head from his arms. Taking a quick look around, there was still no sign of the angel and Dean felt a cold dread settle in his stomach. So, maybe this was it. Maybe Cas had finally decided he had had enough, maybe he had finally seen what Dean had been trying to hide from him for the 12 years of their friendship, maybe he had finally decided that he no longer needed Dean anymore. Panic was starting to kick in now, and isn’t that a bitch? Apparently you can still get panic attacks in Heaven. Hell of a design flaw. Dean frantically tried to remember the breathing techniques that Sam had taught him, and how ridiculous that when he no longer actually needed to breathe, that was the one thing that would bring him back to reality. Dean turned so that his back was resting against the car again, his vision swimming and narrowing as he did so, before sliding down into a crouch, his hands coming up to hold his head and his eyes screwing shut again.

After what felt like an eternity, he could feel his heart rate slowing and his breathing was becoming slightly easier, and with each breath he was becoming more and more aware of a sound that seemed out of place at that moment.

“Dean? Are you alright? Dean! Can you hear me?”

But there was no way that the voice belonged to Cas. Cas had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with Dean now, so there was no way that he’d be here now. Maybe he wasn’t in Heaven at all, maybe he’d been sent straight to Hell. It wouldn’t surprise him given the way his life had gone, but they seem to have stepped up their torture techniques since the last time he had been there. He kept his eye screwed tightly shut and focused on pulling air into his lungs and exhaling it out in short sharp pants, willing his heart rate to drop.   
After what felt like an eternity, he has pulled himself together enough that he begins to think about pulling himself up to his feet, getting back into the car and driving until he’s ready to meet Sam again. As he drops his hands, and his head moves back to rest against the door behind him, he becomes aware of a hand resting on his shoulder, warmth seeping through the material of his jacket and the shirt underneath. What an odd detail for the demons to have added into this particular torture. But then again, they always knew the exact ways to break him.

His eyes peeled open, the meadow before him swimming into focus as he lifted a hand to wipe the tears that had made their way down his face. He sniffs loudly, before turning his head to the side to try and find the source of the warmth on his shoulder. And promptly finds himself staring into a very familiar, and much loved pair of bright blue eyes. He shuffles back, nearly falling on his ass as he tries to put some distance between him and the vision in front of him. Not-Cas reaches out to steady him, but stops short, as if he knows that his touch would not be welcome at that moment, and Dean tries hard to not focus on the look of hurt that flashes across the thing wearing Cas’ face.

“You’re not real.” he panted.

The not-Cas looked more hurt than before, if that was even possible. The lines between his eyebrows looked deeper than Dean had known them, and his mouth had dropped open slightly. Dean had to hand it to whoever had created this particular torture, they really had an eye for detail. He rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to will away the vision of his friend.  
“Dean, I don’t know how to prove to you that I am real. I am the same Castiel that you knew on Earth. Please, just look at me and you will see that.”

Dean shook his head, trying to scramble to his feet and away from the not-Cas. 

“No, you can’t be. They’ve created you to mess with me. To torture me. You’re not here, you’re in the Empty. I saw it take you.”

Not-Cas looked stricken.

“The Empty did take me Dean, you’re right. But then Jack came and broke me out. He freed me, and Anna, and Balthazar, and Gabriel and he allowed us to come here, to help him make a new Heaven. Bobby should have already explained this to you, it’s why I said he should be the one to meet you. Did...did he not tell you that I was here?”

“But you didn’t come and find me, you didn’t answer my prayer?! I thought you didn’t want to see me, I thought you didn’t lo- I mean…. I thought you were done with me.”

Dean finished his short speech looking back at the ground, his breathing speeding up again, but slowing when he felt the warm hand on his shoulder again. He took a deep, shuddering breath and began to address his knees;

“I mean, I wasn’t expecting you to be standing there with a welcome wagon, but when you didn’t come to find me, I guess I panicked. After everything that happened, it felt too much like rejection. And I can’t take that, not from you anyway.”

There was a long stretch of silence, in which Dean again closed his eyes and focused on taking deep, even breaths and trying to tamp down on the butterflies that were now roiling in his stomach. The silence stretched on for so long that Dean was convinced he had been abandoned again, and was about to open his eyes again when Cas spoke;

“Oh, Dean. I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. It was not my intention that my absence would hurt you in any way. I had thought that when you first got here, you would want time to get settled, see your family again before anything else.”

Here Cas huffed out a laugh that sounded slightly wet, as if he was trying to hide the fact that he was crying.

“Well, I didn’t think you would be here so soon actually. I thought we would have longer to prepare everything for you. And that I would have more time to think about what I wanted to say to you again. But, then the plans of Heaven never did mean too much to you.”

Dean snorted out a laugh, opening his eyes again and lowering himself to sit on the floor, stretching his legs out in front of him and watching Cas do the same out of the corner of his eye. They sat together, watching the flowers bob in the breeze before Dean turned his head and looked at Cas.

“So, if you’re really you, tell me something that only you would know.”

Cas scrunched up his nose, frowning at his hands that were now clasped on his lap. 

“When we were fighting the apocalypse, the first time, I sat with you on a park bench and confided in you that I had doubts. That I had feelings. That was the only time I confessed it to anyone and actually meant it. If I wasn’t already involved in your cause, that would have convinced me to join you.”

Cas looked up at him here and gave him a tight smile, which didn’t quite reach his eyes. Dean opened his mouth, about to answer him when Cas began to speak again;

“But let’s see; your favourite superhero is Batman, you cannot function without a coffee in the morning, you always double knot your shoelaces, you have 173 freckles on your back and shoulders, you used to sneak into libraries and steal a book for you and Sam, you don’t eat the crusts on your toast or sandwiches, when you were 6 you chipped a tooth trying to rescue a cat from a tree, and you wanted to be a firefighter when you grew up to save families from going through what you went through.”

He smiled as he looked over at Dean, his eyes soft and full of affection that Dean was damn sure no demon would be able to fake.  
“Did I convince you?”

“Yeah, yeah Cas you did.”

Cas nodded and they lapsed into silence again, staring out at the meadow but occasionally cutting their eyes across to each other, still amazed that they were both here. After a long while of sitting in silence, Dean knew that they had to broach the subject that had been burning in his memory ever since that moment in the bunker, the moment that had caused him so much pain and been the cause of so many broken night’s sleep. 

“Cas, about what you said.. in the bunker… before the Empty came.. I just.. I want you to know-”

Cas stood suddenly, cutting him off. Dean looked up, surprised, his mouth still open as he stared up at Cas, who was now looking all around them with an odd expression on his face, an expression that made Dean’s insides curl up and bile rise in his throat. Cas was holding his hands out in a placating gesture and was taking small steps backwards when Dean suddenly recognised the expression on his face. It was fear.

“Dean, you don’t… it isn’t necessary… what I said, I… it was only…. Dean….”

Cas trailed off, the fear in his eyes bringing Dean scrambling to his feet, and striding forwards until he stood in front of Cas, who was still flicking his eyes in every direction but not looking at Dean. Dean reached out and gripped the tops of Cas’s arms tightly, his heart rejoicing at the contact as he tried to catch Cas’ eye.

“No Cas, this time I talk and you listen, ok? I have some things I need to say to you and I think it’s time you heard them.”

Cas swallowed, staring directly at Dean with his eyes wide and still full of fear, but he nodded slowly and stopped trying to step away from him. 

“Okay, so when we were in the bunker and you said that the one thing that you want is something that you can’t have? Yeah, that was a load of crap. But, I know that I never said anything before, so maybe you didn’t know, and that’s on me, but I’m saying it now.”

Here, Dean broke off to take a deep breath, eyes closing for a second before opening again and fastening on Cas’ face, which was still clouded with fear but there was a hint of something else in his eyes, desperately trying to break through. The sight of it gave Dean the strength to utter the next few words.

“Cas, I love you too. I have for a long time. I don’t know when it started, maybe when you ripped up the rule book to help us, maybe when you walked into that reservoir full of Purgatory souls, maybe when I spent that year looking for you in Purgatory, hell, maybe it happened when you first walked into that barn all those years ago! But I’ve been in love with you for a long time now, and I know that I should have told you this when I was alive, so that we could have seen where it would lead us, but I was a coward. But I’m not afraid anymore. I love you, Cas. I love-”

Whatever else he was about to say was abruptly cut off as Cas’s lips slammed into his own, causing him to stumble back and raise his arms to wrap around the angel now pressed against his front. After a few seconds, his brain clicked back online and he twisted his hands into the material of Cas’ ever present trench coat, and pulled him even closer to his body. The kiss went on, their lips pressing and pulling at each other’s, nerve lighting up in ecstasy, until Dean turned them gently and pressed Cas up against the side of the car. The resistance that this created caused their bodies to press even closer together, Dean sliding one of his legs between Cas’ causing Cas to moan into his mouth, the sound drawing a matching growl from deep within Dean’s chest. 

They stayed there, pressed up against the side of the card for a long time, neither willing to pull away from the other, only separating for a few seconds at a time until the pull of the other was too much to resist. Dean couldn’t believe how weightless he felt, he had told Cas how much he loved him and now Cas was in his arms, his hands scratching at Dean’s scalp and his body pressed deliciously against his own. Dean rested their foreheads together and pulled at Cas’ white shirt, until he could rest his hands on the warm expanse of Cas’ hips, his thumbs rubbing idly across the skin. 

He breathed softly, pulling the scent of Cas into his lungs and holding it there for as long as he could.  
“I guess we are a couple of dumbasses after all, huh?”

Cas snickered.

“In this? I would say so. In everything else? Not so much.”

Dean smiled, and then tilted his head up to press a kiss to Cas’ forehead. They remained standing there, arms wrapped around each other and just breathing in the presence of the other person for an indeterminate amount of time. Eventually, Dean pulled his head away from Cas’s and looked into his blue eyes.

“I love you, Cas.”

Cas smiled his wide gummy smile that Dean loved more than anything.

“And I you, Dean.”

They smiled at each other again, before Cas pressed his lips gently against Dean’s, before stepping back out of the circle of his arms. Dean immediately felt the loss, and had to fight the urge to pull Cas back against his body. Cas was still smiling at him and gestured towards the car. 

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care, as long as you come with me.”

If the blunt honesty of Dean’s statement surprised Cas, he didn’t show it. Only smiled again, and then pulled the passenger side door open. He tilted his head at Dean, who quickly stepped around the front of the car,only pausing to press a kiss to Cas’s lips again, the novelty of the act still not having worn off at all. Soon, he was sliding into the driver’s seat and Cas was sitting as he had done so many times on Earth, gazing out the windscreen with his hands folded in his lap. Dean felt his heart flutter in his chest and he shook his head at the soft feeling that had settled over him for the first time in years, but couldn’t seem to wipe the smile from his lips. Cas seemed to be having the same issue, breaking out into a grin each time he caught Dean’s eye and flushing as he turned his head away. 

As they pulled away from the meadow, the soft sound of the old rock song coming through the speakers, Dean forgot for a second that he had died, that this was Heaven because all he could think and feel was Cas. He felt as if the pressure that had been building in his chest for the last 12 years, ever since had walked into that barn and proclaimed that he was the one who had pulled Dean from Hell, had lifted and that he was about to float away. He reached across the bench seat and gripped one of Cas’s wrists, moving his hand so that their fingers were intertwined. If his cheeks felt hot at the action, he paid it no mind because he was finally happy.

**********************************************

The road continued to open up under them, the miles running down as they drove without aim or need. Occasionally they would stop, get out of the car and watch the scenery around them, softly breaking the companionable silence that blankets them with remembrances of their shared lives, of moments that they have treasured for moments of loneliness, and sharing laughter and gentle looks. Sometimes, Dean even gathers the courage to reach out and grasp at Cas’ hand, or he pulls at the material of the long overcoat that Cas always wears, his eyes running over Cas’ face in wonder and awe that they are here. That they both have, somehow, ended up right where they needed to be, and more importantly that they have ended up there together. 

Sometimes, Dean even presses Cas up against the side of the car and holds him close, taking in the faint scent of ozone that seems to follow the angel around. And sometimes, when his bravery fills him up until he is lightheaded with it, he presses his lips against Cas’ and pours his love into the man in front of him hoping that Cas understands everything that he is still struggling to put into words, but what he knows that he feels. And Cas smiles like this is everything he has ever wanted and like he can’t quite believe that it is real. Dean knows the feeling, who would have thought that it would take Dean’s permanent death for them to acknowledge what had always been between them. 

They didn’t know how long they had been driving for, when Dean started to feel a tug on his soul. It started off small before it quickly became too strong to ignore. Cas catches him one day, rubbing at his chest, a small grimace on his face. When Dean feels his gaze on the side of his face, he plasters a smile on and tries to bluff his way out of Cas’ questioning. But of course, Cas knows him better than anyone else in the world and he isn’t fooled for one second. Before Dean can even begin to think of an excuse, Cas has reached over and linked their fingers, pulling them over to rest on his thigh.

“It’s time for us to go and meet Sam.”

**********************************************

Dean steps out of the car, looking around himself at the valley that has opened up on either side of the bridge. At the trees in their varying shades of orange, yellow and red, and the river running underneath the bridge and at the clouds moving slowly across the sky. He goes to move over to the railing, but something holds him in place. He quickly swings around, his eyes meeting Cas’, who has also stepped out of the car and is currently leaning on his arms, stretched across the roof with a small smile on his face. Something in Dean settles again at the sight, even as his stomach clenches at the sight of the love pouring from Cas. 

“You’ll stay with me, yeah?”

Cas’ smile widens.

“For evermore.”


End file.
